Expand or Contract?

Yin yang are not opposing forces (dualities), but complementary opposites that interact within a greater whole, as part of a dynamic system. 

Lately, I've found myself thinking about my response to having cancer.  When I was in the "getting diagnosed" phase from March to May, I told myself that I wasn't going to become one of those "Carpe Diem" people who start bungee jumping and being nice to people and not being sarcastic.  Really, you can't change 40 years of learned traits.  I've always been an inward looking homebody, and having cancer probably couldn't change that.

What I have noticed lately is that I have a profound sense of two things: "not being here someday" and "bringing joy to others."  I think these two emotions are different sides of the same coin, and I'm trying to be mindful of not being here someday as a catalyst to bring joy to others.  (Bringing joy is not something I think of when I think of myself....)

These two ideas were made clear to me on a visit to my sister's house.  Her poor dogs were outside, relegated to the back yard for several hours so my nephew could have some dog free time inside.  Even a backyard gets boring to a dog after a few hours.  So I decided to go out and play with the pooches.  In a game of tug with Casey, I could see how much fun he was having.  And in watching him, it became clear that bringing joy to others is a very real and important thing.  And easy to do.  Expand.

Later, we were all outside with my nephew and my sister and the dogs, and we were taking some pictures and videos.  Never do you become more hyperaware of not being here someday than when someone is taking your picture.  Even before I had cancer, when I would look at pictures of people who died, I would always think "They didn't know when this was taken that I'd be sitting here crying over them.  They weren't thinking about death at all."  But cancer gives you that potential expiration date, and a picture just makes me think of that expiration date in the future.  Contract.

I'm trying not to contract.  I'm trying to expand.

Kona is in favor of expanding.